We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all consumer products are created equal, that they are endowed by their advertisements with certain irrevocable rights, that among these are obesity, public drunkeness, corruption & Wii Trigger finger. That to secure these rights, Corporations are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the almighty dollar, That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the CEO or Various Executive VP’s to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new guerilla marketing plans, thus laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Personal Bank Accounts and Bottom Lines.
We, therefore, the mind altered slaves of the United States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the Corporations of America © , solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be, wholly owned subsidiaries of Phillip Morris & that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the Citizens of the United States, and that all political connection between them and the right thing to do, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent Corporations, they have full Power to levy War, use the red button, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, Take over other countries, and to do all other Acts and Things which will make the most profit regardless of harm to Nature or humankind. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the Fox News Network, we mutually pledge to each other our Lobbyists, our Fortunes and the use of our condos in Costa Rica.
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